Tuesday, June 25, 2013


Each season of the year brings about a bit of nostalgia. In fall, it's for apple picking and subsequent pie baking. In summer, it's for falling in love for the first time. Charlie and I were introduced through mutual friends and experienced an immediate intimacy. We poured our stories and secrets out with the sort of intense urgency that only teenagers can muster, and came to know each other completely within a matter of weeks. Yet although we were deeply connected emotionally and wildly hormonal, we never slept together (which I credit for the existence of our friendship all these years later). It was summer and there were plenty of opportunities, but we weren't ready. So we held hands and kissed endlessly, sweetly, in front of the mall, at the movies and everywhere else. And that was plenty.

Recently, I was rewatching an episode of Sex In The City in which the sassier of the token gays tells Charlotte that she better get laid soon or it would "grow over." Once we become sexually active, the expectation seems to be that you must be having sex all the time, but what if that is more than we need? What if it becomes a compulsion, an addiction or a debasement rather than a beautiful, transcendent experience that two people share? Sex does have the potential to be an act of love, but far too often, especially in our younger years and despite how intimate of an exchange it naturally is, sex is used as a way to keep people at a distance while feigning real intimacy. You can pretend to really care about someone in the hot and heavy of it, in the intensity and passion, but will you be there when it counts? When your partner's world is crumbling around them, or they are experiencing incredible joy and success, will you be there to witness and share in those moments?

This is true intimacy and it has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Sex is an animal act inspired by instinct and hormones. The only thing that makes it different is the intention we bring to it as supposedly conscious beings. You can continue to fuck like an animal, but is that really what you need? Other than a temporary rush of pleasure, what is this doing for the development of your consciousness and the elevation of your soul?

For the first decade of my sexual history, I had no concept of this. I had had two partners, both of whom I loved. It was not until my late 20s that I came to understand how base sex could be, how terribly lonely and unloving it could be to be so close to someone and yet so far away. Don't get me wrong! It's been a valuable experience and I've had a lot of fun, but no matter how satisfied I've been in the moment, it never lasted. Each let down hollowed my heart out a bit more, stole a bit of my shine, and developed within me the terrible ability to not care about someone with whom I'd shared such a personal moment.

It was the startling recognition of this growing misandry and jadedness that led me to decide that when it comes to sex without love, it is more than I need. In inviting in these experiences, I have given up my freedom to live with a soft, open heart and to love without fear. I have become hard in some ways, learned how to use sex to put up walls and feign closeness. In all this, my sexuality has become a burdensome cage, these unhealthy habits limiting and degrading. The time has come to set my heart free. It is the time of a Revolution of Innocence.

Therefore, from here on out I give myself the gift of time and space: Plenty of time in which to slowly get to know potential partners. Plenty of space between us, allowing hands held and kisses shared to once again be plenty. Sex is not a mandatory requirement of adulthood; taking wise care of your own physical and emotional safety, however, is. No one can do it for you. It's up to you to draw and hold firm boundaries.

It is my intention that the next partner I have be my Beloved. There will be many obstacles for him to overcome on the path to my heart, but he will be so honorable, so courageous, so strong that nothing will stop him. Anyone who is not those things, who cannot keep up, is simply not my guy. I will wait in the middle of this ocean of time and space, buoyed by the knowledge that I am worthy of someone with the ability and the determination to make the long swim to meet me where I am.

For as long as it takes, I will wait.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Dealbreakers for My Beloved

There comes a time in every person's life (hopefully!) when settling for anything less than perfect becomes intolerable. That time has come for me. The following is a list of commandments for anyone who would seek out an intimate relationship with me. As I am a Rich and Royal Queen, I deserve to have all these needs met. Good luck!

The Commandments, in some sort of order

1) Thou shalt be Real
Because there's nothing less attractive than a liar. Tell the truth of who you are and do it now.

2) Thou shalt be Present
I'm looking for a partner, yo. You best strive to fully occupy the space of now.

3) Thou shalt love and serve God
My primary relationship is with the Divine. If yours is not, we won't have a whole lot to talk about.

4) Thou shalt enjoy time alone
Do you like the company you keep when you're solo? No? Ruhoh!

5) Thou shalt have an active spiritual life and practice
You should probably do some yoga and meditate. You should definitely not be a scientologist.

6) Thou shalt recognize, respect and appreciate the Totality of My Infinite Being
Aren't we all looking for someone who knows us completely and loves us unconditionally?

7) Thou shalt take care of your health (physical, mental, emotional, etc)
You're a grown ass man. I'm not your mom (ew). Feed yourself. Handle your life.

8) Thou shalt be humble enough to ask for help when needed
But of course, if you ask nicely, I'd love to bake you a potpie from scratch. Or return your books* to the library (*see Commandment 19) on my way to work. But a closed mouth doesn't get fed, honey. I'm only a little bit psychic. Ask.

9) Thou shalt have faith and confidence in yourself
The hotness of a man in a well cut suit is second only to the hotness of a man who is living the truth of his worth.

10) Thou shalt be a creative and confident lover
Can you keep up?

11) Thou shalt do work that you love and are passionate about
If you hate your work, I'm going to have to hear about it all the time. And you won't be living an inspired and  purposeful life, which would be a bummer for you. Live your potential.

12) Thou shalt have your own friends and spend time with them
How can I miss you if you won't go away?

13) Thou shalt be adventurous and open to new experiences
Especially with travel. This is very important.

14) Thou shalt love and be kind and respectful to children
It's not that I necessarily want children so much as I know I'm destined to have them. It's just a matter of when. It freaks me out, so I'm hoping to find someone who will more or less joyfully join me in attempting to raise healthy, functional humans.

15) Thou shalt have a fantastic sense of humor
It should be silly, a little bit dry, a little bit salty, a little bit dirty.

16) Thou shalt be flexible
Sometimes I evolve so quickly that it makes my head spin. I can only imagine how the people outside my head feel. Will you evolve with me?

17) Thou shalt only take what is freely offered and offer what you can do so freely
If everyone followed this guideline, most of the world's problems would be solved. If we follow this guideline, it'll make for a much more harmonious partnership.

18) Thou shalt get comfortable with the discomfort of the unfamiliar
Sometimes life gets weird. I can't have you freaking out every time it does. Keep calm, darlin.

19) Thou shalt own and read books
Because John Waters says I shouldn't be with you if you don't. And I can't raise kiddos with a non-reader. Oh gosh, no.

20) Thou shalt keep a warm and welcoming home
There are few things I love more than feeding people in my home. If you do, too, we'll get along just fine!

21) Thou shalt realize that I am almost always right
I really am. If I argue a point, which I rarely do, it's because I'm sure of it. Every once in awhile I'm wrong. I'll be the first to admit it.

22) Thou shalt tell me when I have food in my teeth
Or my fly is down. Or you think I might need a nap or food or a glass of water. Let's cover each other's gaps.

23) Thou shalt give me a break sometimes
I'm not perfect and I know you're not either and I love that about both of us.

24) Thou shalt value, respect and adore me

If you think your experience and skill set is a good match for the position, please inquire. You should be prepared for other commandments to be put forth, and old ones to change or disappear. I am a woman, after all- ever flowing with the tides, well worth the glorious ride. Come correct.